T’is the Season…for Depression
It’s always seemed quite ironic to me, since moving to mainland France in 2018, that the arrival of the most magical time of the year brings with it unbearable sadness.
The NHS (2022) defines seasonal affective disorder or SAD as "a type of depression that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern." SAD is "sometimes known as "winter depression" because the symptoms are usually more apparent and more severe during the winter.”
My first encounter with SAD occurred around autumn of that year. At first, I was feeling quite down and out due to the serious flu that I had caught. I had aches and pains all over my body for months! I couldn’t even manage to leave the house, and when I did, I had to carry at least three packs of tissues with me. The area between my upper lip and the tip of my nose was dry, cracked and black in colour. Let's just say that your girl wasn't at her peek level of desirability.
Yet, as unbearable as the constant sniffles and sneezing were, the thing that negatively impacted me the most was just how increasingly short the days became.
Darkness would completely surround me by 5pm. Unsurprisingly, that same darkness quickly engulfed my psyche. Before long, this Caribbean girl quickly understood what real depression felt like.
It wasn't the kind of depression I would feel a few days before the start of my period. Now, it was the type of depression that made it hard for me to get out of bed before 2pm.
When I would finally muster up enough energy to leave my bed, I’d spend minutes, possibly even hours, just staring out the window, trying to figure out how many days had gone by since I last saw any semblance of sunlight. Blue skies had now been replaced by grey clouds and the sound of happy kids playing and laughing, in and around the apartment complex, was now replaced with complete and utter silence.
I remember feeling quite disappointed after I realised that there was a stark difference between the autumns and winters I had seen on TV and what I was experiencing in reality.
In the Hallmark movies that I grew up watching, the female protagonist, who lived in a big city, would make the journey back home to her idyllic countryside hometown, where everyone would be decked out in the most fashionable winter attire. I’m talking cute ankle boots, cashmere scarves and tight-knit sweaters and cardigans. Everyone would look so cheerful as they sipped their hot cocoa (gloves optional, of course), while walking down the snow-covered street with their childhood crush and soon-to-be cookie-cutter love interest.
No one in that picturesque small town even looked remotely close to how I felt inside. How could this be the same white Christmas that everyone was singing and dreaming about?! Someone was definitely lying to me and I couldn't concentrate for long enough to do anything about it.
Thankfully, now I better understand just how much of a negative impact that seasonal depression can have on not just me but everyone around me. This is why I always try my best to grant others grace when they act in very rude ways during the cold months. You know, like that woman who walked straight into me the other day when getting off the metro without even mustering up the slightest apology. I had to just let it roll off my back while reminding myself that it is wintertime and that she may be going through a lot right now.
Needless to say, I’ve come a long way since 2018 but that doesn’t mean that experiencing SAD gets any easier, especially when you’re so far away from family and friends who you truly love and enjoy spending the holiday season with.
I really wish that I could offer up some more advice other than what every other article has to say about dealing with wintertime depression. But, what I want those of you reading this, especially those of you who are currently feeling down and out to know, is that it does get better and it’s important to hold on to that hope when life feels overwhelming.
And, for those of you who are experiencing something more than SAD, remember that there's nothing wrong with seeking professional help (from therapists, medical doctors, psychologists and/or psychiatrists).
Never feel ashamed to take care of yourselves, folks!
Melanie 💜
Sources:
NHS. (2022, May 20). Overview - Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). NHS. Retrieved December 21, 2022, from https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad/overview/